One BIG Step

      

          Well, Little Lindsey...in a few months time you will be doing something that you thought would never happen. You will embark on a brand new journey in your life and it's an even that ever since you can remember you have been nervous for. It's opening your life to new experiences and it all happens through this one...massive step. 

You're moving in with your boyfriend.

          Now, I'm not nervous about it anymore. In fact, I'm incredibly excited. But, upon the first conversation you were incredibly unsure. After everything that has happened in your life you felt intimidated and a bit woozy at the thought. But...there's something incredibly different about who you are with now. 

(No that's not a hickey on his neck. You are just surprisingly good at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu which is something he is teaching you.)

          You have been together since last year and in that time you both have been through an incredible amount of life experiences that not many couples get to go through. It's both a blessing and a curse to go through these events together but in the end your relationship is that much stronger. 

          Now, this summer right after you get out of school on April 26th (or something that that), instead of going home to Newport News, Virginia, you will be going to Goldsboro, North Carolina to move in to his apartment. After a while home doesn't feel like home unless he's there and that's how it's suppose to be when you really love someone. 

          He's away at a two week training session right now in Texas and he gets back this weekend but on March 6th he goes away for an eight week training session which means he is gone until the very beginning of May...

Which also means you're doing this "moving in" thing by yourself. 

          He's giving you a key to his apartment, which shows exactly how much he trusts you, and at the end of April you'll be making trips there before school is over to find a job, register for some summer courses to get out of college as soon as possible and start your life, and getting things at the apartment situated. 

          Your family was thrilled...which was shocking. You expected your dad to take it well because he's basically crazy about the guy you're with but your mom was the one you were worried about. Turns out she is pretty damn excited for it too. But then again, all parents are excited when their kids finally take the steps to be independent and get the hell out of their house. This little birdie is leaving the nest and making her own hopefully. When I finish college of course. 

          So, everything is happening really fast but it;s something you are incredibly ready for Little Lindsey. You have taken the time to make sure this is the right decision and it is. Being in love, real love, is scary because you then have to realize that it is actually possible to happily share your life with someone one else. You have to be open to the change or it's never going to come. 

          I think this is the right decision. I think it's a decision that will change my life, our life, for the better. It's a decision that will make a bright future for us. It's scary but it's so incredibly exciting. Life for you is amazing...you just have to be brave enough to make the decisions for YOURSELF, not for anyone else. 

-LNL

A Woman of Many Names

A Woman of Many Names

          So you came to Averett University in the fall of 2010. It was a school you had never heard of and it was a fresh start. Let me tell you Little Lindsey, you come to college as an English Major. What you thought you were going to do with an English degree was beyond me but you guessed you were going to teach. You are pretty darn good at English. 

You change your mind.

          Then you major in Education. You want to really focus on becoming a teacher. You interned in the Pre-K room at your local elementary school back in the county you live in...well actually if you're reading this then you're doing that right now. Trust me, you love kids...but if you taught them you would probably hate them.

You change your mind.

...Again.

          So then you find your passion, which is Theatre. You fall in love instantly. After never really knowing what to love you find theatre. It comes at the best of times to you (it seems). It falls into your lap right when you get out of your poisonous relationship with your fiance and it fills every hole that you ever thought you had. You have your very first role and it's Mrs. Millenium in the musical Urinetown. The name is weird, I know, but it's the best experience you've ever had. You understudy for the lead in that show and you are given a brand new family to love and after accepting you into their world they love you too. Mrs. Millenium, along with the cop and the poor person you played on stage, had you on stage for every single act and never kept you on stage for an entire act because of all of your costume changes and this, Lindsey, THIS made you fall in love with theatre. The thrill of it all was something you felt like you had really been missing in your life. 

          The next starring role you get is Adelaide in the musical Guys and Dolls and it is amazing. It's the first starring role that the department gives you and you put everything you have into it. It's a growing experience. It's such a fun role and you meet one of your good friends now named Robbie who you play opposite of. You make such good friends and learn so much from this show and it simply presses the idea of a career of theatre deeper into your mind. It is at this point that you tell your family that you have changed your major and you plan on being an actress. The reactions are mixed but as much as they may not have agreed they support your endeavors. Your dad comes to every show and your mom sends flowers since she can't make it. 

          After Guys and Dolls you star in All My Sons, playing opposite of Robbie once again and even acting alongside one of your professors, Mr. Richard Breen and the very talented community member, Patsi Compton. That summer you play opposite of Robbie (shocker) in the Union Street Theatre production of Grease portraying Sandy Dumbrowski. When you return to school you play Kaa in the production of the Jungal Book (and you fall off of the set in this show). 

This all leads to the biggest role of your career...

Velma Kelly

          Averett does Chicago. You play Velma Kelly. It's the biggest role you've gotten so far and it's the one role you've dreamed of playing. She's the complete opposite of you but somewhere along the way you realize the two of you have a lot in common. You both have hidden resentment for one reason or another...and then you realize something Little Lindsey...

You have NO IDEA who YOU are.

          You threw yourself into theatre after being released from the prison of a horrible relationship and since then you had been becoming so many different people that you barely know who you are anymore. So, you made the very smart decision of changing majors for the final time to Communications and Journalism with the hopes to go into Public Relations. This is something that has always interested you and you know that and when you do switch it's hard. Believe me. You experience a lot of different emotions but at the end of the day it's the right decision and you feel that in your heart because you sleep so much easier than you used to. You remember yourself, which is the best feeling and the best reward that you could have asked for. 

          So, this is one of the things you have to know Lindsey. You have to do things for YOURSELF sometimes, no matter who it pisses off or who it pleases. At the end of the day you live with your decisions and the decision to switch your major to what it is now is one of the best decisions you will make for yourself and your future. It's hard but you are happier. You actually feel like you're in college and at the end of the day when you lay in bed, you know who YOU are...finally. 

-LNL

Becoming Lindsey

Becoming Lindsey

This will be the most emotional blog I'm going to have to write...but it's a story worth telling.    

          By this point I've dropped several hints to the course of your love life. In fact, I wrote an entire brief post on the matter...but I know that you are wondering what happened to the very first person you fell in love with. And I'm going to tell you now...you're not going to like what I have to say. 

          You get engaged on October 31, 2010. It's...less than exciting for you. Actually, it's terrifying and you'll want to scream "No" and run but you don't. You say yes. You're at school and he's in Florida with his family (where they end up moving after graduation) and things are hard. The fact you're engaged now is something very little people know, not even your mother. One day, you tell her, right before you fly to Florida for a visit and you explain how it is, how there's no ring, and how you don't even know at this point if it's as serious as you think. Then you go see him and his family for Thanksgiving and what do you know, there's a ring. 

          But it isn't given to you in the romantic way you have always dreamed of. You and him had gotten in a large argument before you landed which resulted in him launching your engagement ring down the empty terminal and telling you to go find it. You'll spend almost an hour looking for it before you finally find it, get to the car, and head back to his home and his family. He will never apologize for that but you will move past it like it never happened and finally make the big announcement to his family and your family and all of your friends. 

And then things really change. 

          You've heard horror stories and a lot of things you never thought would happen to you. Right now, you're the model student. You have great friends, a supportive family, what you think to be a charming boyfriend, you play high school sports, you get good grades...bad things don't happen to you. Bad things like abuse. 

          The first time it happens it takes you a while to realize what had just occurred and you lay there for a long time, refusing to move and refusing to accept that this...this is your life. You search for things you could've said wrong or things that you did to bring this about and you nit pick yourself for almost 6 months while this continues to happen on either a physical or emotional level every day of your life. For a portion of time you lose who you are and your identity goes missing. The person people came to know and love at your University begins to rapidly fade away and you become a prisoner of your own mind. 

          There comes a certain point where you give up. You just resign yourself to a horrible life and the ring on your finger feels more like chains binding you to this atrocious future you feel your forced to go through and you cover the physical and emotional scars by simply alienating yourself from the real world. But someone finally sees it...

Someone will save your life. 

          You survive and you push through and you break free of the chains and send the ring back and you never speak another word to him again. It's hard, adjusting to normal life and dating after that...well that's even harder. But in the end it's worth it. There's not a day that goes by that I regret leaving. There's not a day that I think he could have changed. There's not a day that I believe I made the wrong decision. My life is so much brighter and better because of what happened and the manner in which I left. It was clean cut and it was to the point. 

          After that semester goes by you spend a little time at home and while school is still in session you open up an assembly at your old high school focusing on self worth, self acceptance, and respect in relationships. It starts in high school. Young women are impressionable and they don't know the differences between love and obsession. In the time since I escaped the cage of my abusive relationship I have held 4 small gatherings at my old high school in which I spoke to over 200 girls about their relationships, past and present, and how they believe they should be treated as opposed to how it really should happen. I've spoken with numerous girls on a personal level and I've even stopped any abuse before it's even happened at the very first sign. 

          There's not a day that I regret what happened to me. Is it unfortunate? Yes. Is it something that I'm ashamed of? In some cases, yes. But it has shaped me into the person I am and the person you become. You help so many girls because of the experience you have and even though it is nothing short of unfortunate you will turn it around into something positive for your community. I wish, on some level, that I could stop this from happening to you, to me, but I know that if I were to change that then there would be so much more hurt in the world, even on a small scale like our home town. 

          Life after abuse is brilliant. The things you've experienced make you enjoy life with every piece of your soul and they make you appreciate the amazing man you will have in your life when you get to be my age. God teaches us lessons in funny ways...and I use the term 'funny' very loosely, but he really does. And then, when you have pushed through it, he rewards you with something even more brilliant than you could have ever dreamed of, which in this case is your college career, your amazing friends and family who have become even more supportive over the years, and your loving boyfriend. Besides, if God didn't think you could handle it, he wouldn't have put it in your life. If God thought it would have broken you, it wouldn't have been in your plan. God gave you this hardship because he knew that in the end it would breed positivity. God just needed you to figure out who you were and who Lindsey was. He needed you to stand up for yourself and become who he always intended for you to be. 

And you have.

          For a moment I would like to break the mold of my blog and address every young girl in the world who could be reading this. If you are in danger or if someone is physically or emotionally hurting you, tell someone. Don't be afraid to use the voice God gifted you with and speak up. The only power they have over you is the power you give them. So don't allow them to have it.

You are strong.

You are beautiful. 

You are worth it. 

Never forget that.

-LNL

Lessons on Love

LOVE

          Right now, Little Lindsey, you are naive. To be honest, I really wish you could read this now instead of after the fact. You're about to be in your senior year of high school and you have been dating this guy for two years at this point...you might think he's the one. You even get engaged...

But he's not the one. 

          In fact, he's the farthest thing from "the one" that you will ever run into. Take it from me, you meet a lot of people in college. Your engagement doesn't last (thank the Lord) and you move on. You meet someone else and they teach you more lessons than the old relationship ever could. To protect identities in this story I just won't refer to them by name. The names aren't important anyway. 

          Love is a funny emotion and you don't ever REALLY understand it for the first time until the end of your freshman year in college and even at that point, you don't even realize you're in it. Boy Number 1 is just that...a boy. An immature boy. He's the guy you meet after being engaged and after the roller coaster that was he puts you back together and for a long time you're happy and then one day you aren't. And for reasons that God only knows, you leave. You have a small fling over the summer (THAT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE. DON'T DO IT) and then you realize that you really do love Boy Number 1 (even though I wish you had just cut your losses and moved on) and you go on back to him. From that point on it's ponies and sunshine...

Until March. 

          He cheats on you. I'm sure that's a slap in the face, huh? This is not the first time someone has cheated on you but it's the first you know about at the time and it's the only time you know of from him (at that point). But you loved him so you stayed and tried to make it work. Too bad it doesn't and he leaves you making you look like a gullible fool. So for the next summer you live in Danville, away from home, building yourself up, working, and making new friends. You even date Boy Number Two who to this day is one of your dearest and closest friends. He makes you realize that you aren't someone that people can walk all over and to be honest, you don't really see the truth in his words for a long time. But he's the first guy to ever really show he cares whether he's with you or not...

          But your relationship with him is something we will have to cover in another post all together. 

          

          Anyway, I wish I could say that you never hear from Boy Number One ever again but that's not true. You hear from him like clock work almost, once every week to two weeks. He can't make up his mind and this is the part, Little Lindsey, where you have to be strong. You have to be your own person. You have to grow a backbone and stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. This is the point in time where you realize college will eat you alive if you don't straighten up and defend yourself. This is a turning point not only in college career...but in your life. 

          Somewhere along the line though you must have done something right at some point because then you meet Boy Number Three who changes your life. 

Third times the charm right?

Absolutely.

          So, after looking back at the very condensed version of what Love does to you, you have to realize that things are not as cut and dry as this sounds. I'm giving you a brief over view because I just want you to know that after all the pain and tears and anger and frustration you WILL encounter, things are going to be okay. There will be days where you just don't want to get out of bed. Days where you are so tired and emotionally drained that you feel like you could sleep your life away in a heart beat. Don't do it. You have to get up and show the world that no matter what emotions are warring inside of you that you are strong enough to handle it. 

          I wish I could go back and tell you no. I wish that I could stop this all from happening but you're going to experience it one way or another and this...this is just a warning I wish I could give and I know you would appreciate. But you're okay in the end. Just remember you have to be strong for yourself...or no one will. 

-LNL

photo credit: Shane Brogden

To Prank A Prankster

When you are pranked, prank back harder

          Now, there is something you were not too familiar with at this point in your life Little Lindsey. Around this time, from what I remember, you are so busy with Gymnastics and sports and school that you barely have time for a social life at all. But this something that you will need to become familiar with eventually is called "pranking". 

          An online dictionary defines pranking as "A mysterious trick or joke that makes an ostentatious display." In other words, it is sheer embarrassment that you will get frustrated over. Do not fear though. I am here to tell you that you survive it. You first encounter pranks on a small level, things that happen when you move into your college dorm and live there with a ton of other people. Trust me, college kids get bored and then you become your peers play thing. 

          There is a difference thought between pranks done in good taste, like cleaning out the fridge in your apartment and hiding inside of it to scare whoever opens your fridge next (that ones fun. You originate that one) and pranks done in bad taste and that is the story I have to tell you today. 

          You have great friends...but they can be massive jerks. Your best friends name is Carmella and the guys who live two floors up from you (don't worry I'll get to them in a later post) decided to play a practical joke on your apartment. They used a really traumatic event from Carmella's past as ammo for the "joke". Needless to say, it didn't really end up being a joke. 

          But, if there is something that you need to know it is this: If someone is going to prank you, you better prank them back harder and better. So, a few days after they played their joke we all decided to prank the trouble maker, Chad, back. Amanda and Carmella (who are your best friends and room mates) and yourself prepare for your strike wearing black cheek make up and dark clothes. We covered his car in saran wrap, glitter, streamers, cookies, and a pound of rhinestones. Everyone watched the apartment balconies, laughing and taking pictures. Your RA's even thought it was hilarious, not to mention one of the RA's was the one who told you to do it.

          ...then it rained. And...everything got stuck to his car...

          No need to worry, it all comes off. But the moral of this story is that if someone is going to play a prank on you, you just have to make sure that you are prepared and willing to come back. Pranks are usually done in good taste. They typically don't do anything to really hurt you so you have to remember to keep a good attitude. Be a good sport. Just be able to laugh at yourself because when you start taking life too seriously you stop living it.

          Oh, and if you're wondering at all, he doesn't bother you guys again after that. 

-LNL 

The Five Year Mark

Well, hello there!

     

          My name is Lindsey Litka. I'm a college student currently studying Communications and Journalism at Averett University. As a Junior in college I like to think that I have all of the answers, just as any early twenties person does...but the truth is that I don't. I make a lot of mistakes and as invincible as people seem to think I am at times I'm really not...trust me. 

          I was told by my Digital Media professor, Dr. Hoffman, to write this blog. It's a class assignment and instead of seeing it as a boring old assignment like some people might do, I have thought of a way to make this sort of interesting for myself. I've decided to start this blog and write it to the sixteen year old me. 

          I remember when I was a sixteen year old Junior in High School and my English teacher, Mrs. Becouvarakis (yea...what a name), asked me where I saw myself in five years. Looking back now I think about what I said and part of me laughs. There was no way I really thought that...really? Well, I had to have thought it because, believe it or not, she told us to write a paper on it and I still have that paper. I took it out from where I had hidden it (hoping it would never see the light of day ever again) and read it, comparing it to my life at the present moment. I'm almost to that five year point and my predictions from the past me are off...WAY off. 

          So, this led me to thinking about the kind of person I must have been at age sixteen. Was I demented or unrealistic or maybe just naive? I like to think naive. Then I began to think about the present moment and how I got here. So much has happened in my life in the past five years that I'm nearly shocked. I've grown an extraordinary amount in the time since I wrote that paper. 

          Now, I find myself compelled to write my naive, young, and impressionable self. I know that, in a way, this seems ridiculous. Writing to a 'me' that will never be able to read what I write but it feels good to look on all of the life lessons I have learned. Who knows...maybe there's a sixteen year old girl out there, just as lost and impressionable and naive as I was, and maybe this could help her one day. I know, at sixteen, I would have appreciated a little guidance...because apparently I was severely misguided. 

-LNL